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"Get your news weakly"SM 12 September 2005

Chavez Threatens US With Free Stuff

For the second time Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez threatened US security. In this instance, his threat involved an offer of assistance to the Gulf Oil Company. Citing lower than expected profits, Chavez expressed concerns for the innocent shareholders who might be wiped out by a board of directors flooded with special interests, graft, and corruption.

Bush Administration Satisfied With Self

During a recent morning jog, President Bush announced, "we are satisfied with ourself and our performance. We have never felt better." Reporters present were visibly uncomfortable, though no one issued any clarifying questions. Fortunately, the President, abhorring a vacuum, continued, "we woke this morning, thinking about how unfortunate those people is, but we want to emphasize that you need to be patient and focus on the future, instead of pointing fingers. We are a uniter, not a divider." Stepping off his treadmill, the President donned his ermine cape and set off for the oval office without expecting questions.

Mexico Sending Reinforcements

Sources close to the Mexican government confirm suspicions widely reported on news agencies and Fox News that the recent dispatch of troops under the auspices of hurricane relief is actually the next wave and a troubling escalation of the ongoing Latin Invasion.

Early shock troops of the Invasion have taken up critical posts around the country, alert to execute plans drawn up secretly at a conference held at Monterrey in 1982. Reports on the Monterrey Compact, as the 1982 conference is known, are still sketchy, but destabilizing the US economy by denying Anglos their choice of highly desirable maintenance, gardening, construction, and cleaning positions is said to be the first phase. Later phases include assimilation into US culture.

 

Some experts cite other key objectives that appear to have been achieved, including the infiltration of Mexican food, particularly nachos, and the use of Spanish in Anglo-to-Anglo conversations, such as "hola" and "hasta la vista, baby".

Not all Mexican aggression is so overt. An official with Homeland Security, speaking under condition of anonymity, reports that the agency has long been concerned about Latino efforts to destroy American culture through terrorism, citing examples of "Latin Explosions" across the country. Investigations have focused on suspected terrorist organizations driving these explosions, including the shadowy group known to intelligence agents as "Miami Sound Machine".

The major concern with Latin Terrorism is its ability to divide into smaller, self-sufficient and self-perpetuating cells known by experts as "Menudo".

Other Stuff Happens

According to reliable sources, events continue to unfold across the globe. These assertions could not be verified, given the concentration of reporting equipment and personnel in New Orleans.

One CNN anchor, speaking under condition of anonymity, expressed the view that "there is no other story right now". Paula Zahnís opinion seems to be corroborated by other reporters who have been unable to find stories unrelated to Hurricane Katrina. Questions regarding the catastrophic loss of life in Najaf through mass panic, continuing suicide bomb attacks in Baghdad, and continued US military presence in Afghanistan were met with blank stares.

Experts have noted that even illegitimate news sources writing spoofs have been focused on the hurricane.



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© 2005 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler