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Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM |
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| "Get your news weakly"SM | 19 December 2005 |
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President Hurt By Surveillance AllegationsSources close to President Bush indicate that the president was deeply hurt by the anger and outrage expressed in some quarters regarding his order for the NSA to monitor the communications of US citizens. "What upsets W the most is that he believes he has the best in mind for the people. When they reject his effort like this it just hurts him", said the anonymous source. The source went on to say that the president has been asking everyone in the White House, "How come it's ok for Santa to watch you when you're sleeping, but it's not ok for the NSA?"
Angels Found To Be MaleNew evidence is just in that proves angels to be male, ending a centuries-long debate. Citing scripture where masculine pronouns are used for angels, supporters of a literal reading of the Bible have long argued for the masculinity of angels. More liberal readers of the Bible have often countered that all pronouns not related to specific persons are masculine, saying this has more to do with the time period and the authors than any hard evidence of gender determination. Last month in a cave in southern Syria, however, new evidence was unearthed, seeming to settle the debate. The cave contained scrolls now known collectively as the Book of Stanley, dealing almost exclusively with angels and their habits. In the unearthed book, the anonymous author cites angels engaged in the use of divine power tools, recounting a small number of heavenly improvement projects that the heavenly host begat, but did not complete. According to the ancient text, the actual number of unfinished heavenly improvement projects is uncountable and surely exceeds the number of angels that could assemble on the head of a pin. Scholars at the Hebrew Women’s Center agree that this new text does present irrefutable evidence that angels are male. |
Local Man Ignored By Homeland SecurityDespite repeated calls to the Homeland Security hotline, local man Dwayne Hickman has seen no action on his tips. "They put up signs asking for us to call in if we sees somethin' suspicious, so I calls and I get no action", said Mr. Hickman in his third call to the Newsweakly staff. "Are you sayin' all them storms are just coincidence?", asked Mr. Hickman on his fourth call. "It's Al-Kai-EE-Duh man, plain as the nose on my face!", asserted Mr. Hickman, shortly before the office phone number was changed.
Home Violates Geneva ConventionAccording to Amnesty International, the home of 14-year-old Cindee Bogus violates the standards set by the Geneva Convention, in the repeated use of coercive detentions, forcible completion of homework, limitations of personal expression through various dress restrictions, and the curtailment of her freedom of assembly with specific young males. "We have begun a letter-writing campaign on behalf of Ms. Bogus, in hopes of turning the despotic tendencies of her captors and releasing her for dates with her 22-year-old boyfriend, Stan 'Buzzy' Harley", announced Amnesty International spokesperson Ruth Shingle.
Jesus Thanked, Message IgnoredIn an exclusive interview with Jesus, the world-famous deity noted that, while he appreciated the repeated public thankfulness in his name regarding awards, prizes, performances, good deals on merchandise, and even military victories, persons claiming to be his followers are consistently "missing the boat". When asked if he had any feeling for why this continues to be a problem, Jesus started to say something about no one listening, but the interview had to be cut short. |
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Except where expressly noted,
all materials are completely ficticious, facetious, sarcastic, and
© 2005 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler
