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"Get your news weakly"SM 2 January 2006

Journalism Breaks New Ground At Yearís End

The nationís journalists extended their vast skills for in-depth investigative reporting with a flurry of year-end recapitulations of previously published stories. "We feel that the best way to serve the needs of the American people is not to dredge up critical year-end analyses of the performance of the governmental, corporate, and philanthropic agencies that form the core of our economy and culture, but rather to focus on stories that we enjoyed the first time", said one news bureau chief. "Really, we are just looking for a day to sleep in", echoed yet another.

New Year Brings Vast Changes

Just like every year, the shift between December 31st and January 1st brought radical changes to the world. As of 12:00:01, revelers in Times Square sobered up, hugged each other and voted a pay raise and pension endorsement for all NY MTA employees. Simultaneously, at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, President Bush was heard to say, "Iím not sure why everyone is so worked up about gay marriage; live and let live is what I say. As Americans they are due the same rights as anyone else".

Additionally, A>B>C, therefore A>C no longer holds, though this had been suspected for some time.

Experts feel that this yearís changes may be more significant than those of other years, but since the very fabric of space/time has been rent asunder, the changes are difficult to measure from with the system.

In earlier years, New Yearís changes have turned out to be illusory, with an eventual return to the status quo of the previous year. It is not clear how such retrograde changes occur, but some suspect meddling by special interest groups. In order to test this theory, New Yearís researchers from the Clark-Seacrest Institute for New Yearís Studies have set about monitoring activities at the Focus on the Family Center in Colorado Springs.

 

Textbook Logic A Special Case

A team of experts has discovered that the Boolean logic taught in most college philosophy and mathematics departments does not have application outside of the textbooks used for instruction, making textbook logic a special case of logical systems. The experts, speaking from their research center at Oral Roberts University in Lynchburg, Virginia, cite several irrefutable examples of reality adhering to decidedly different logical rules.

In particular, the research team points to the example set by the unquestioned intellectual leader of the free world, the President of the United States, George W. Bush. As the intellectual leader, Mr. Bush has personally done more to establish the irrelevance of textbook logic to reality than any other leader. In particular, with statements like, "This notion that the United States is getting ready to attack Iran is simply ridiculous. And having said that, all options are on the table" (Brussels, Belgium, Feb. 22, 2005), the president establishes that the set of "all options" does not include those he does not wish to discuss. However, it is Mr. Bushís policy stance that a country is either for us or against us that defines the new logic.

According to the ORU research team, the "for us / against us" tautology breaks new ground because it allows a union of entities that would merely be an intersection in traditional Boolean logic. Specifically, if "for us" = A, then "not for us" = !A, while "against us" = B. In traditional Boolean logic, there is merely an intersection of !A and B, but Mr. Bush makes an unarguable union of the two entities, establishing the clear irrelevance of textbook logic.

While the irrelevance of textbook logic has made significant leaps in recent years, the ORU research team argues that textbook logic has been outmoded for centuries. The team traces the origins of the problems with textbook logic to the Pentateuch, the first five books of the Bible, where logical inconsistencies do not make any part of the work less than the absolute truth of God, as written.



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© 2006 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler