Newsweakly, 30 January 2006

	Irregular Reporting of Societal Issues^SM

"Get your news weakly"^SM	30 January 2006

Rolling Stones Lend Youth To Super Bowl Producers of this year's installment of the Super Bowl tradition were reportedly concerned viewer perception that the event has reached middle-age. Sources close to the event planning report that the desire to project a youthful image of the Super Bowl was the primary driving factor behind the inclusion of the Rolling Stones as the headlining halftime act. According to these sources, planners felt that juxtaposing the antique and vaguely embalmed-looking Rolling Stones with Super Bowl XL would make the 40-year old tradition look young, by comparison. Experts feel that it is still too early to judge the success of the ploy, fearing the highly contradictory repercussions of a possible wardrobe malfunction. IT Manager Leads By Example According to a growing number of reports from local IT consulting firm Computer Associations, Richard Hedh, Technological Synergy Evangelist, has blazed bright new paths for his proteges to follow. In particular his ability to convey a vision that revolutionizes enterprise schemas has convinced a broad group of career-minded employees of Mr. Hedh's brilliance. Interviews with team members indicate complete awe at the deft combination of creativity, skill, and vision shown by Mr. Hedh during client meetings. "That man is unencumbered by reality", rhapsodized Rut Underling, a loyal employee of Mr. Hedh. "He takes thinking outside the box to a whole new level", interjected Nikhita Shah. "I'm not sure he's even seen the box", added Harsha Rao another enthusiastic team member. Where Mr. Hedh truly excels, however, is in his dedication to the cause of repurposing user-centric architectures, through synergizing real-time metrics. In this process, Mr. Hedh increases shareholder value through heightened effectivity to harness transparent architectures and orchestrate out-of-the-box web-readiness. Never one to leave loose ends, Mr. Hedh will ensure his clients visualize killer action items and close-loop with a dedication to benchmark extensible convergence.		U.S. State Department Caught Off Guard Despite an almost omniscient understanding of the attitudes of the Arabic world outside the U.S. and an infallible intelligence network whose successes at thwarting terror are well-known, Condoleezza Rice indicated that the U.S. State Department was caught off guard by the results of the recent Palestinian vote. "The blatant manipulation of the democratic process to select leaders favored by the populace, rather than the special interests of foreign governments violates the very spirit of American-style democracy and is contrary to the vast sums of money we funneled into the campaign through USAID", said Rice, speaking to reporters in Europe this morning. President Bush echoed Rice's comments later in the day saying, "The notion that the Palestinian people are not allowed to elect whoever they want is simply ridiculous. And having said that, all options are on the table". Other commentators expressed hope that this vote will be a historic step forward for the Palestinian people. In particular, they noted that, for the recently enfranchised weak-kneed cowing to vast sums of foreign campaign contributions is not yet an established tradition, as it is in other, more experienced democracies. New Diagnosis Added To DSM Realizing a lack of conceptual depth in the current DSM with respect to diagnoses of interpersonal relationship difficulties, the American Psychiatric Association is recommending an addition to the DSM, to be available in DSM-V. In addition to the traditional diagnosis of "inveterate bachelor", best understood by the popular caricature of the habitual, hardened, and obstinate characters of literature like The Odd Couple, the DSM will reportedly add a new diagnosis, serving as a form of polar opposite: the "invertebrate husband". "We feel that the spineless jellyfish of a husband has not been as well represented in the DSM, up to this point, as he is in my house, and the houses of most career women in America", said Barb Sharpe, spokesperson for the APA.

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