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Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM |
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| "Get your news weakly"SM | 22 May 2006 |
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NSA Directly Addresses WiretappingIn a radical shift for an agency historically shrouded in mystery, the NSA has decided to directly address concerns regarding its various wiretapping and call tracking campaigns. Hosting a press conference late last week, former head of the NSA, General Michael Hayden said, "For too long we have gone off-shore with our surveillance, depriving Americans right here at home of the benefits of constant vigilance". Hayden went on to describe the recent campaigns as "a simple case of right-shoring". Hayden concluded his press conference, noting that "Americans form a family and families look out for each other. We are just like an older and larger brother, who can look out for you".
Amnesty International Begins Campaign Against Local ArtistChapel Hill, NC-based singer / songwriter Guy McMahon recently become the focus of Amnesty International's latest letter-writing campaign. "We feel that the residents of Chapel Hill have suffered long enough", said an Amnesty International spokesperson. An official statement from the group reads, in part, "Torture in all its forms cannot be tolerated and must be eradicated, wherever it is found, including the coffeeshops and smoke-filled bars of the nation's college towns". Mr. McMahon's blog on myspace.com responded to the charges late Sunday morning with an entry asking the rhetorical questions, "What do they know, anyway? Who are they to judge me?", and concluding, "Those guys are just jerks". While Mr. McMahon could not be reached directly for comment, his upcoming shows include an open mic night in Raleigh, where we can assume he will continue his reign of terror. |
Bush Takes New Measures To Increase Approval RatingIn an effort to resuscitate President Bush's sagging approval ratings, the President's advisors have engaged the DOD's Advanced Research Projects Agency (ARPA) to bring its AI capabilities to bear on the problem. The research brings together the attributes and speeches of the most inspirational presidents of the nation's past, accurately analyzing those men and their words to create the most effective communications mechanisms for use by Mr. Bush. The result is expected to be a compelling set of speeches and sound bytes that will propel Mr. Bush higher in the polls. Early work focused on the personalities and sayings of John F. Kennedy and Franklin D. Roosevelt, generating the following new saying for the current president: "Fear not what you can do for your country. Fear what your country can do for you!" Mr. Bush's advisors are pleased with the outcome and feel it represents the President's philosophy in general, as well as his willingness to rely on outside experts.
Skilling / Lay Jury Convicts All US IndustryCiting a defense that claimed former Enron executives Jeffrey Skilling and Ken Lay did nothing that any ordinary executive would not do, the jury in the fraud case returned a verdict to the judge that effectively convicts all US executives of major corporations of fraud. Judge Simeon T. Lake III issued a statement saying, "I was not really surprised by the verdict; there is obviously a lot of deliberate ignorance in American business". Authorities have already begun rounding up the executives by advertising free golf and martinis at area golf courses. |
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Except where expressly noted,
all materials are completely ficticious, facetious, sarcastic, and
© 2006 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler
