Newsweakly

Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM


"Get your news weakly"SM 11 December 2006

DHS Tracks Travelers

In early November, the US Department of Homeland Security (DHS) announced plans for a program to screen all people who enter and leave the United States, including American citizens. The program will expand an existing program tracking airline passengers, applying it to entries by land and sea. The information collected becomes part of a terrorism risk profile, which will be used to help win the War on TerrorTM. According to details available in the Federal Register, the traveler terrorism risk profiles will be retained for 40 years and decisions made based on the profiles cannot be challenged or appealed by the individuals profiled. Information already tracked by the system includes method of payment used, origin and destination, and meal preference. Data points are used to assign each traveler a numeric score, where higher scores equal higher terror risk. Rhabid Rhakuhn, spokeperson for the Vegetarian Action Network (VAN) expressed concern over the profiles. "Vegetarian meal preferences give people higher risk scores, no question", said Rhakuhn, vowing legal action. "While we appreciate the concerns expressed by VAN, everyone knows that being vegetarian is un-American, so I think the average citizen approves of our approach", said DHS Secretary Michael Chertoff.

Mormon Sect Increasingly Popular

A small sect of The Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints, otherwise known as Mormons, has garnered attention recently for their meteoric rise in popularity. The group has relatively liberal views on most subjects, professing a "dude, live and let live" attitude. Though the origins of the splinter-group are not entirely clear, most experts trace the group back to a pair of young Mormon men who returned from a mission to Amersterdam with what can only be described as "vision". Abraham Cassidy and Corey Sanchez quickly spread that vision to an ever wider circle of ardent converts. "People of all stripes gravitated toward those two, it was almost like an addiction", says Walthorpe Appleton Throckmorton, III, professor emeritus of Arcane Religious Studies at Harvard Divinity School.

 

Local Woman Crushed In Residential Avalanche

Authorities indicate that local liberal woman Suzanne Manner was crushed over the weekend by an avalanche of recycling. Emergency personnel dispatched to the scene report that Ms. Manner's injuries were quite severe and that dogs were needed to locate her body under the rubble of boxes, cans, newspapers, plastic bags, and several tons of polystyrene for which no recycling option had yet been located. "The amount of number 7 plastics was just frightening", said Fire Chief Bill Brawny. "We knew she had a problem, but we had no idea it had gone this far", said Sam Hill, neighbor, shaking his head in disbelief. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) in Atlanta issued a statement warning of the effects of unchecked eco-liberalism. Alternative medicine has also been involved, with several yoga centers now offering classes in "purgasana". With these yoga movements, the practitioner is urged to "breathe in, throw outů breathe in, throw outů" The American Psychological Association (APA) reports that it has long been looking at the phenomenon of guilt-driven, severe, eco-liberalism. Their tentative diagnosis, Post Consumer Stress Disorder (PCSD), is being considered for inclusion into the next release of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM). "We feel that Ms. Manner's demise was 100% post-consumer", said Dr. Janet Fehlgud, with the APA. Ms. Manner is remembered by friends and family as a wonderfully polite woman who never offended anyone. She is survived by two cats.

Advertisement

Do you know someone tired of the burdens of holiday entertaining? Do you know someone whose sink backs up every year, in a futile attempt to shove pounds of left over mashed potatoes down the drain? Consider the perfect gift. The new 25 horsepower Briggs & Stratton Disposal 6000 is guaranteed to handle an entire, uncooked, and uncut 5 pound bag of Idaho potatoes, an entire 14 pound turkey (frozen) and a spiral cut ham, while keeping your sink drain completely open. Get yours today!



More Recently Weak

 

Historically Weak


Back to Newsweakly Main Page


Except where expressly noted,
all materials are completely ficticious, facetious, sarcastic, and
© 2006 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler