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Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM |
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| "Get your news weakly"SM | 19 February 2007 |
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Al Qaeda Infiltrates Presidential RaceAccording to foreign policy analysts at Dew Drop Thinktank and Pool Hall in White City, Kansas, the race for the next U.S. President has been infiltrated by elements of Al Qaeda. "What kinda name is Obama, anyway?", asked Dew Drop regular Dwayne Smith. "He's some kinda foreigner for sure", agreed Jeb Smithson, adding, "but I thought you had to be a citizen to be President". According to Dew Drop research of confidential origin, Smithson's conundrum can be solved if one allows for the fact that "foreigners are sneaky". Senior researchers with Dew Drop indicate that the etymological similarity between "Obama" and "Osama" is unmistakable, but that a UN-based plot to put drugs in the drinking water (in the guise of fluoride) has resulted in a populace that is brainwashed to ignore the obvious evidence of the terrorist affiliations of the junior senator from Illinois.
Rice Negotiates IndependentlyReacting to questions about the recent Israeli-Palestinian peace talks, President Bush said, "I don't really know much about that; is that where Condi is?" Later, Mr. Bush added, "I never know where Condi is these days. She hardly ever calls, but I'm sure she's doing good work, wherever she is". Foreign policy analysts were excited by the news, saying that Mr. Bush's lack of participation is a good sign for the future of Middle East policy.
Veteran's Administration Misplaces OfficeOver the weekend, officials at the Veterans Administration (VA) added to concerns about security at the agency, when they announced that an entire office had been misplaced. Spokespersons for the VA assured reporters that "all efforts are being undertaken to locate the office". Efforts include searching local yard sales, auctions, and estate sales. A team has also been dispatched to Google headquarters to search Google Earth. |
The misplacement of the office is the latest in a string of prominent losses, including a laptop and a hard drive. According to sources within the VA, the office is reported to have contained the records of thousands of veterans, as well as millions of dollars in office equipment. Sources also indicate that the office had not been encrypted. More than the loss of the office, many veterans were concerned about the manner in which the loss was handled. Specifically, veterans took issue with the fact that the loss was not immediately reported. "Look, I can understand misplacing something, so losing the office doesn't bother me. What I find really troubling is that they didn't see fit to tell the veterans who are impacted", said veteran Ray Wiley.
Harvard Succumbs To Special Interest Group PressureAfter remarks made in 2005 by Harvard president Larry Summers regarding the "intrinsic aptitude" of women for the sciences, niche special-interest groups demanded that the university more actively appear to pursue a policy of inclusion and openness. However, some women's rights groups felt they could do more. Those groups, led by the Pagan Lesbian Organization for Youth, pressured the university for a high-level token act that would serve as a beacon for the lack of substantive change at the quintessential old boy's club. Last week, with the announcement of Drew Gilpin Faust's nomination to be the first female president of Harvard University, it would appear that the PLOY worked. An unnamed lawyer familiar with the contract negotiations reports that the standard 33% Female Disability Discount was included in the contract, to ensure that Faust would be paid less than a comparably qualified male president. In a related note, Harvard announced that it would simultaneously hire an almost entirely female administration, while simultaneously reducing its operating budget by about a third. |
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all materials are completely ficticious, facetious, sarcastic, and
© 2006, 2007 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler
