Newsweakly, 9 July 2007

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	Irregular Reporting of Societal Issues^SM

"Get your news weakly"^SM	9 July 2007

UK Attacks Generate New US Security Measures In reaction to the recent attempted terrorist attacks across the UK, the US Transportation Security Administration (TSA) will be implementing new security measures. According to TSA chief Kip Hawley, the measures will "directly address the situations found in the UK, rather than some abstract hypothetical situation". As a result, airline passengers will now be expected to be dropped off in satellite parking, disrobe, and then walk to the terminal. Baggage of any kind will no longer be allowed. Further, planes will no longer be able to approach the terminal and boarding will be done by climbing up ropes dropped from the planes. Some flyers have expressed concern about the type of rope being used to enter the plane. "Splinters and rope burn from hemp ropes can be quite concerning", says Buck Naikhed, a spokesperson for the airline industry. "However", added Naikhed, "we fully support the government's efforts to ensure the safety of America's airways". Yoga Instructors Increasingly Radical A special task force comprised of experience counter-terrorism agents within the CIA, FBI, and NSA are reporting increasing agitation among the nation's yoga instructors. According to sources close to the task force, yoga instructors are demanding more radical positions from their students at yoga training camps situated in remote areas of the country, including the Poconos. At these training camps, young aspiring yogis go to learn radical fundamentals of yoga. "These young men and women are seeking balance and will do anything to get it, causing harsh difficulties for our consumer culture", states Dick Cheney, President of Vice Presidential Industries, Inc. (VPI), a Washington, DC-based energy, security, and espionage consulting company. Researchers familiar with yoga fundamentals fear that some yogis have been specifically advocating extremely radical positions, including a pose known to members of the inner circle as "vrschikasana" or in English as the sinister "scorpion". Security experts within VPI have expressed significant concern, saying, "We cannot have our young people simply adopting Eka Pada Galavasana at will, or there will be a deep rift between the wants and the want-nots and that is definitely not good for this country".		New Product May Steal Limelight From iPhone: Review Amidst all the media attention given to the iPhone, one new gadget has crossed the desks of many investigative reporters and gone largely un-noticed. Until now. The manufacturer and marketer calls this a "game system", but this reviewer found that description of the Xboss 360 modest at best. The Xboss 360 is a blazingly fast, 64-bit, HDTV-ready, Virtual Reality environment, allowing the user to denigrate his or her former employer with complete impunity. With one exception, every single member of the office staff tried this system and found it to be thoroughly rewarding. However, part of the excitement of the Xboss 360 system is its open architecture, which allows outside developers to contribute directly to the possibilities of the user experience. At this moment, a group of open source developers are creating a highly-anticipated extension known as OSVD (Open Source Voodoo), which converts your cathartic musings into active pain inflicted remotely. The interface relies on VDXML, which is supported by ISO-666. The office staff here has never been so excited. Weak Ad: Comadose^TM If you have tried the many sleep aids on the market today and found them somewhat lacking, and then tried them again in various combinations, and then again in combination with various forms of alcohol, and just cannot seem to ease the throbbing sense of sleepless shame that overcomes you, we want you to know, that you are almost as alone as you feel. And that's why Mizer Pharmaceuticals has recently created Comadose^TM, a revolutionary new sleep aid / sedative that works when nothing else will. Comadose^TM, when sleep and alcohol abuse just aren't enough to ease the pain. Side effects may include persistent vegetative state and government consulting. Ask your doctor if Comadose^TM is right for you.

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